The biggest lesson I have learnt over the past few months is that my feelings are valid.
My feelings and your feelings matter. As much as sometimes our feeings make us question why we feel that way and if we have a right to feel that way, they shouldn't.
We cannot help the way we feel. We can try and change the feelings. We can immerse ourselves in looking at a different perspective. We can talk ourselves into believing something different. But if our heart believes one thing, no matter how hard we try, we cannot change those feelings deep inside. And you know what? That's perfectly ok.
Why should we have to change the way we feel? Why should our feelings not be valid?
I think part of sharing my journey and part of invoking happiness is also recognising that even though we can be happy in our core, in our entire being, things happen, feelings arise and if that small part of us is unhappy or trying to deal with those feelings, it's ok.
What's not ok is hiding those feelings or feeling guilty about those feelings.
I'm going to go a bit personal on this blog. I need to get out what I am feeling. Because right now, I don't feel guilty for my feelings. They are valid to me.
In 2002 I welcomed my first daughter into my life. My pregnancy was perfect, an absolute dream [aside from the morning sickness lol] so when we fell pregnant in 2005 we hoped that pregnancy #2 was going to be the same. And it was to some extent. I had some bleeding at 17 weeks and a low lying placenta. By 20 weeks the placenta had moved up and all was good. By 34 weeks there was signs of my blood pressure rising [I have had high blood pressure since 18 yrs of age] and by 36 weeks it was so high I was hospitalised. By 37 weeks I was induced and after a 27 minute labour our second daughter arrived. She was a little small bundle but healthy.
I was allowed home, two days later and my blood pressure reduced but was still high enough to need medication. And still now I am medicated.
At the time I remember the Drs saying how lucky I was and how lucky my daughter was. I remember my DH and I saying "No more babies".
I felt like my two were enough.
Now 7 years on from my second daughter. I can honestly say that I have longed for another baby for the past 4 years at least.
I loved being pregnant. Even the morning sickness.Some asked if we would have more children. Especially considering we have two daughters so automatically people ask if you are going to try again for a boy.
I wouldn't care if I was to have another girl , if it was meant to be it would be. But I long for a son. I long for another child, but especially a son. My heart aches that I will never parent a boy. That I will never have a son grow up and rest his strong arm on my shoulder and say "Hey Mum" while looking down on me [which would be quite easy considering I am only 5 foot tall lol]. That I will never have a son grow into a young man and look up to his sisters. That I will never have a baby boy that my DH and I created, a mini DH to treasure.
Recently there has been so many pregnancies right in front of me. And I'm jealous. I've recogised that ache in my heart as jealousy. I've realised that I want that pregnancy to be me. It's so so so hard.
I also went through a feeling of guilt. Guilt for the women that can't fall pregnant easily. The partners that struggle with infertility. The guilt of being able to fall pregnant so easily and having two daughters that are gorgeous and healthy whilst others will never have that opportunity. And I guess I still feel guilty for that. But it doesn't make that longing and grieving I am feeling any less valid. I have every right to feel sad for the son I will never have. Why shouldn't I? It means I am staying true to my feelings.
I honestly don't think it's something I'll ever get over. I know I will always feel this way. And only now that I have acknowledged these feelings and that I know it's ok to feel this way and not feel guilty, that I have come to a small amount of peace within.
I tried to talk myself out of my feelings. I tried to change perspective and started quoting "Concentrate on the children you do have and not the ones you don't". But that quote and change of perspective didn't change the feelings in my heart and soul.
So my message to you is this........... Your feelings are valid. Never, ever, ever feel guilty for feeling the way you do about anything. Feelings need to be recognised and acknowledged and accepted. Once you realise this and stop feeling guilty for these feelings
My feelings and your feelings matter. As much as sometimes our feeings make us question why we feel that way and if we have a right to feel that way, they shouldn't.
We cannot help the way we feel. We can try and change the feelings. We can immerse ourselves in looking at a different perspective. We can talk ourselves into believing something different. But if our heart believes one thing, no matter how hard we try, we cannot change those feelings deep inside. And you know what? That's perfectly ok.
Why should we have to change the way we feel? Why should our feelings not be valid?
I think part of sharing my journey and part of invoking happiness is also recognising that even though we can be happy in our core, in our entire being, things happen, feelings arise and if that small part of us is unhappy or trying to deal with those feelings, it's ok.
What's not ok is hiding those feelings or feeling guilty about those feelings.
I'm going to go a bit personal on this blog. I need to get out what I am feeling. Because right now, I don't feel guilty for my feelings. They are valid to me.
In 2002 I welcomed my first daughter into my life. My pregnancy was perfect, an absolute dream [aside from the morning sickness lol] so when we fell pregnant in 2005 we hoped that pregnancy #2 was going to be the same. And it was to some extent. I had some bleeding at 17 weeks and a low lying placenta. By 20 weeks the placenta had moved up and all was good. By 34 weeks there was signs of my blood pressure rising [I have had high blood pressure since 18 yrs of age] and by 36 weeks it was so high I was hospitalised. By 37 weeks I was induced and after a 27 minute labour our second daughter arrived. She was a little small bundle but healthy.
I was allowed home, two days later and my blood pressure reduced but was still high enough to need medication. And still now I am medicated.
At the time I remember the Drs saying how lucky I was and how lucky my daughter was. I remember my DH and I saying "No more babies".
I felt like my two were enough.
Now 7 years on from my second daughter. I can honestly say that I have longed for another baby for the past 4 years at least.
I loved being pregnant. Even the morning sickness.Some asked if we would have more children. Especially considering we have two daughters so automatically people ask if you are going to try again for a boy.
I wouldn't care if I was to have another girl , if it was meant to be it would be. But I long for a son. I long for another child, but especially a son. My heart aches that I will never parent a boy. That I will never have a son grow up and rest his strong arm on my shoulder and say "Hey Mum" while looking down on me [which would be quite easy considering I am only 5 foot tall lol]. That I will never have a son grow into a young man and look up to his sisters. That I will never have a baby boy that my DH and I created, a mini DH to treasure.
Recently there has been so many pregnancies right in front of me. And I'm jealous. I've recogised that ache in my heart as jealousy. I've realised that I want that pregnancy to be me. It's so so so hard.
I also went through a feeling of guilt. Guilt for the women that can't fall pregnant easily. The partners that struggle with infertility. The guilt of being able to fall pregnant so easily and having two daughters that are gorgeous and healthy whilst others will never have that opportunity. And I guess I still feel guilty for that. But it doesn't make that longing and grieving I am feeling any less valid. I have every right to feel sad for the son I will never have. Why shouldn't I? It means I am staying true to my feelings.
I honestly don't think it's something I'll ever get over. I know I will always feel this way. And only now that I have acknowledged these feelings and that I know it's ok to feel this way and not feel guilty, that I have come to a small amount of peace within.
I tried to talk myself out of my feelings. I tried to change perspective and started quoting "Concentrate on the children you do have and not the ones you don't". But that quote and change of perspective didn't change the feelings in my heart and soul.
So my message to you is this........... Your feelings are valid. Never, ever, ever feel guilty for feeling the way you do about anything. Feelings need to be recognised and acknowledged and accepted. Once you realise this and stop feeling guilty for these feelings
1 comment:
I felt exactly the same and still do even though I am now past my child bearing years. We have one son, an IVF baby who was transplanted along with 3 'siblings'. I started to bleed around the first due period time and lost 2 of them. His proper twin, sharing a sack with him, aborted several weeks later. Whilst being heart broken I consider him a miricle baby. My consultant informed me that no baby to his knowledge,who shared a sac with a twin had ever not aborted when the twin had. The sac ripped apart then sealed itself afterwards, you could see the join on the ultra scan screen, amazing. We longed for more but only had the money for one attempt so that was it.
It is hard to live with and considering he has nearly died on 2 separate occasions, (during birth and aged 4) every day he is in this world is fantastic. He is now 26 and earning a living working as a video games developer!
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